The 640 MEG Shareware Studio 2/The 640 Meg Shareware Studio CD-ROM Volume II (Data Express)(1993).ISO/funny/jokes17.zip/JOKES.TXT

Text File | 1992-03-15 | 57KB | 1,778 lines

Indian guide (with ear to the ground):  Buffalo come.

Tourist: Wow, that's amazing!  How can you tell?

Indian Guide:  Ground sticky.



The old drunk in the corner didn't know the owner of the frontier town saloon
had given the church permission to hold services there while a church was
being constructed.

"Aha," said the drunk as the pastor stepped up to lead the service," A new
bartender."

The choir stepped forward to sing.  "Oh, great," he thought, "a new floor
show."

Then he peered out at the congregation: "Heck! same old customers."



When Noah was seeing off the animals, he made his traditional speech,
encouraging them to go forth and multiply. Several animals, hearing this
speech, left with smirks on their faces. There were already some swollen
abdomens. But a pair of snakes looked positively depressed.  Noah asked what
was wrong, and the snakes said that they had heard Noah's admonition to go
forth and multipy, but they were adders.

Noah said not to be discouraged, and sent his sons out to cut down a tree and
some vines. When they returned, he had them cut the tree into 4-foot long
pieces. Those were lashed with the vines into a platform.  Branches from the
tree were then lashed on to make a table.  Then Noah put the snakes on the
table and told them they could be happy because...

Even adders can multiply on a log table!



Millie: "I went out last night with a Southerner.  He took me to dinner and
dancing and was a perfect gentleman.  Then he took me home in a cab."

Lillie: "What happened then?"

Millie: "He got a bit Northern."



A newspaper was running a competition to discover the most high principled,
sober, well-behaved local citizen.  Among the entries came one which read:

"I don't smoke, touch intoxicants or gamble.  I am faithful to my wife and
never look at another woman.  I am hardworking, quiet and obedient.  I never
go to the movies or the theater, and I go to bed early every night and rise
with the dawn.  I attend chapel regularly every Sunday without fail.

"I've been like this for the past three years.  But just wait until next
spring, when they let me out of here!"



And then there's the touching story of the young man who said to his girl, "I
bet you wouldn't marry me."

The story goes that she not only called his bet but raised him five.



The bookie slowly counted out the money into the old lady's wrinkled hands.

"Lady,"  he said, "I just don't understand.  However did you manage to pick
the winner?"

The old lady patted her white locks in place.  She looked a little bewildered.

"Really,"  she said, "I don't know myself.  I just stick a pin in the paper
and, well, there it is."

The bookie took a deep breath.  "That's all very well, lady,"  he cried.  "But
how on earth did you manage to pick four winners yesterday afternoon?"

"Oh,"  replied the old lady, "that was easy.  I used a fork."



If you want a short winter, have your loan come due in the spring.



Salesclerk: "You make a small deposit, then pay no more for six months."

Customer: "Who told you about us?"



Always borrow money from a pessimist.  He never expects to be repaid.



"I've come to pay that bill I've owed you for so long,"  said Jones.  "That
letter you wrote me would get money out of a stone.  How did you ever think it
up?"

Replied his creditor: "I didn't.  I selected the best parts from letters my
son sends me from college."



I shop like a bull--charge everything.



JOINT CHECKING ACCOUNT

 A device that permits the wife to beat you to the draw.



THE WORLD'S BEST AFTER-DINNER SPEECH

 "Waiter, give me both checks."



DEFEAT

 One who has ulcers, but still isn't a success.



DIVORCE

 A vow tied with a slipknot.



MASON AND DIXON LINE

 The division between "You-all"  and "Youse-guys."



COMMITTEE

 A group of people who individually can do nothing
 and who collectively decide nothing can be done.



DANGER

To try to leap a chasm in two jumps.



FRUSTRATION

 Buying a new boomerang and finding it impossible to throw the old one away.



HYPOCHONDRIAC

 A man who can't leave being well enough alone.

AMERICA

 A place where we jump traffic lights to save seconds
 and wait patiently for hours on the first tee.



AVERAGE

The best of the lousy and the lousiest of the best.



SUCCESS

 The ability to make money enough to meet obligations
 you wouldn't have if you didn't make so much money.



BUDGET

 Comes from the French word bougette which means a small bag,
 which is what the taxpayer is left holding.



CANCER

 Cure for smoking.



TELEVISION ANNOUNCER

 A person who talks until he gives you a headache
 and then tries to sell you something for it.



HANGOVER

 The wrath of grapes.



CELEBRITY

 A person who works hard all his life to become well known,
 then wears dark glasses to avoid being recognized.



EGOTIST

 One who is always me-deep in conversation.



BACHELOR

 One who never Mrs. a girl.



God created orgasms...so you'd know when to stop.



You're a real hacker if:

It takes more than 1 minute to climb over the books, manuals, old printouts,
computer mags, and old dead hardware to get to your computer.

You are in the habit of checking your coffee cup for mold before you drink
from it.



A man suddenly relises that he is watching TV;  Dismissed as pure stupidity.

A woman from Nevada tries to slit her wrists, when suddenly, a gust of wind
blows the blade into the toilet;  Dismissed as hair- dryer misuse.

A company tries to sell you useless books by advertising about moronic facts;
Dismissed as Time Life's advertising scheme.

Order your copy of "Pleasantries Of The Known" today, and each day we'll send
you a new book of stupid facts, guarenteed to blind your cat, kill your dog,
or your money will be refunded at no extra charge.

And, as a limited time offer, we'll send you 124 Ginsu 2000 diamond cutting
blades at no extra charge.  Try to cut through eight inches of lead with any
of your kitchen knives!

Again, thats the books, 124 knives, and unlimited stupidity.

Order yours today!


Three very respected Doctors were out playing a round of golf one afternoon.
One was saying how his son was doing real well in his practice as an attorney.
"I am so proud of him" the 1st Doctor says.  "He is making a lot of money, why
just the other day he went out and bought a boat and liked it so much he
bought another and gave it to one of his friends."

The second doctor smiled and said "Oh that is great, My son's making a lot of
money too as an Architect, why he just built him a nice big house.  He liked
it so much he built another one and gave it to one of his friends."

The third doctor was just getting ready to tee up his ball and turned to them
and said "You two are real lucky to have such fine sons.  My son is gay.  He
is real bum, can't keep a job and doesn't have any money, in fact the only
thing he's got are a new house and a new boat that some friend's have given
him."



A young gay guy was obsessed with his proctologist.  He was madly in love with
him, but the problem was that the proctologist was straight.  Every week the
gay boy would go in for a checkup.  The straight proctologist saw nothing
unusual with his frequent visits, after all it was business.  The gay boy was
driving himself crazy with love, so he increased his visits to twice weekly.
Alas, the straight proctologist was always business-like and never gave a hint
of feelings toward the love-struck gay boy.

Then, Valentine's Day rolled around and the gay boy was struck with an idea.
He went that day to his beloved proctologist for a seemingly normal visit.
The handsome doctor placed his proctoscope into his patient's sphincter and
looked inside.  He stood up, taken aback.  Surprised, the doctor said,
"Amazing! There's a bouquet of roses up your ass!"

The gay boy looked back at him dreamily and, in a sweet voice, said, "I
know... read the card."



Those who can, do

-those who can't, teach

-those who can't teach become administrators.



The pastor was in the hospital for three weeks. For a while it looked quite
serious.  The Chairman of his Church Board tried to cheer him up. "Preacher,"
he said reassuringly, "we don't want you to worry about a thing.  Last night
at our board meeting, we voted 10-9 to pray for your recovery."



You heard about the golfer named Jones who was twenty minutes late at  the
fourth tee one Sunday morning, and the other three members of the regular
foursome were almost ready to drive off without him. "I agreed with my wife,"
explained Jones, "that this Sunday I'd toss a coin to see whether I played
golf  or went to church.  And you know, fellows, I had to toss that coin forty-
three times before it came up heads."



A stranger came to church and the minister was pleased to see him come
forward to sit in one of the empty seats.  Afterwards he greeted the newcomer
and said, "I'm glad you felt free to sit well forward, even though you are a
visitor."

 "Well," said the man, "I'm a bus driver and I just wanted to see if I could
learn how you can get everyone to move to the rear all the time."



We don't fully realize the hardships of our pioneer ancestors until we
remember that day after day they plodded their way westward into thesetting
sun without sunglasses.



A strong, stalwart Texan was unloading blacksmiths' anvils from a ship in a
Houston port.  The plank broke, and he fell into the water.  He went down the
first time and then the second time.  Just before he went down the third time,
he yelled, "If someone doesn't help me, I'm going to drop one of these
anvils."



The baseball season was about over and the team was firmly entrenched in last
place when the manager decided to let a rookie pitcher get a little major
league experience.  The rookie, who had more determination than skill, was in
deep trouble before long.  Finally the manager walked out to the mound and
said, "Son, I think you have had enough for today."

"But I struck out this guy the last time he was up,"  the young hurler
protested violently.

"I know,"  snapped the manager as he waved another pitcher in from the
bullpen, "but that was earlier this inning.



Why do 24-hour convenience stores have locks on the doors if they never close?



Sadist: one who does kind things for a masochist.


Secretary:

  1.  a girl who can tell by a caller's name whether or not the boss is in.

  2.  a girl you pay to learn to type while she's looking for a husband.



Senior partner: the fellow who has nothing to do between trips to Florida;

Junior partner: the boss' son.



Have you heard about the Pullman porter who just finished reading his first
book?   It's about Berth Control.



The student approached the desk of the librarian and began searching her
handbag for a note she had taken in class.  Not finding it, she said hastily,
"I want to take out the book called The Red Boat."

The library assistant came back to her after a few minutes and said, "I'm
sorry but we do not have a book by that title."

"I must have made a mistake,"  the girl replied.  "I believe it was The
Scarlet Launch."

Again the library assistant came back and this time, trying to be helpful,
suggested, "Could it be The Scarlet Letter by Hawthorne that you want?"

"No.  It's not about a letter.  It's about a boat,"  the girl said.
And then her face brightened as she found her notes.  "I have it written
down,"  she spoke happily.  "It is the Ruby Yacht by a man named Omar
something or other."



Husband: "Darling, don't you think you're being a wee bit extravagant?  You've
had four electric fans running all day."

Bride: "Don't worry about it, dearest.  They're not our fans; I borrowed them
from the neighbors."



Did you hear about the gynecologist who learned how to read lips?



Polish women won't breast feed thier babies because it hurts them to boil
their nipples.



Do you know why worms don't have balls?

Because they can't dance.




One day this farmer's rooster died.  So the farmer went to town to get a new
rooster and the man that sells the roosters says to the farmer, I've only got
one rooster left, but yo don't want him, he screws everything.  The farmer
says, well that's allright, that is what I want him for.  The man says, no,
you don't understand.  This rooster screws anything and I mean anything.  The
farmer says, that's okay, I'll take him.  So the man says okay and sold him
the rooster.  The farmer took the rooster and the whole way that rooster was
squirming and trying to get loose, and as soon as they got to the farm and the
farmer let the rooster go, that rooster went straight into the hen house and
screwed every hen in there and came out with feathers flying everywhere.  The
rooster grabbed the dog, screwed it, grabbed the cat, screwed it and took off
into the fields.  The farmer was just watching in amazement as the rooster
started screwing the goats, cows, horses, and on and on.

Finally later that evening, the rooster came running by the farmer headed out
to another area of the farm and the farmer grabbed him and told him, if you
don't slow down you are going to die.  Well, the rooster didn't even hesitate,
he just took off and started screwing the rest of the farm animals.  The
farmer got sleepy and said aw the hell with him and went to bed.  The next
morning, the farmer got up and went outside and that rooster was laid out on
the ground right in front of the house.

The farmer walked over to him and bent over and said, I told you if you didn't
slow down you were going to die.... The rooster open one eye up real slow and
said, shhhhh, buzzards!



There was this really fat guy who was walking around this clinic and he saw a
sign on one of the doors that said, LOSE 30 lbs in 30 minutes!  The guy
thought hmmm, what the hell, I'll try it.  So he pays his money and goes in
and they lock the door behind him.  He turn and looks around the room, and he
sees this fantastic looking blonde over in the corner completely nude except
for a sign on her neck that said, If you catch me, I'm yours! The guy chased
her for 15 minutes and banged her for the last 15 mins and sure enough he had
lost 30 lbs when he came out of the room.  The guy went walking down the hall
and came to this room that had a sign on the door that said, LOSE 50 lbs in 15
minutes!  The guy thought to himself that this must be the best looking girl
in the world so he hurriedly paid his money and went in and they locked the
door behind him.  He turned around in anticipation and he saw in the corner an
8 foot tall gorilla with a 18 inch dick with a sign around his neck that said
If I catch YOU, you're MINE!



A couple whose marriage was going on the rocks sought the advice of a marriage
counsellor.  The counsellor pleaded with them to patch up their quarrel, but
they were adamant.  "So,"  said the counsellor, "you know the consequences and
you want to part.  Remember this.  You must divide your property equally."

The wife flared up.  "You mean the $4,000 I have saved up? I must give him
half?  My money?"

"Yes,"  said the counsellor.  "He gets $2,000.  You get $2,000."

"What about my furniture?  I paid for that."

"Same thing,"  answered the counsellor.  "Your husband gets the bedroom and
the living room; you get the dining room and the kitchen."

There was a challenging gleam in the wife's eye.  "What about our three
children?"

That stumped him.  Shrewdly he assayed the situation, then he came up with a
Solomonic answer.  "Go back and live together until your fourth child is
born.  Then you take two children and your husband takes two."

The wife shook her head.  "No, I'm sure that wouldn't work out.  If I depended
on him, I wouldn't have the three I got."



There's another advantage in being poor.  The doctor will cure you faster.



"His doctor told him he was in as good shape as a man of 60, but the trouble
was he was only 45."



"Oh, doctor,"  said the young lady, "will the scar show?"

"That, madam,"  said the doctor, "is entirely up to you."



Doctor: "Well, you are coughing with less exertion today!"

Patient: "That's not surprising, doctor, since I practiced that all night."



Gazing fondly at his attractive nurse, the hospital patient told the doctor.
"Wonderful nurse you've got here.  One touch of her hand cooled my fever
instantly."

"I know,"  answered the doctor, "I could hear her slap clear to the end of the
corridor."



Secretary (on phone): "He's gone to Washington to get a government loan to pay
back what he borrowed from the bank to pay his income tax."



A bum helped a Scout across the road.  When he got him to the other side.  the
Scout said, "Here's something for a cup of coffee" as he pressed a small wad
of something into the bum's hand.  It was a piece of sugar.



If your outgo exceeds your income, then your upkeep will be your downfall.



"May I have some stationery?" a man asked the hotel clerk.

"Are you a guest of the hotel?" asked the clerk.

"No, I'm paying sixty dollars a day," said the man.




Write something that will live forever--sign a house mortgage.



"You poor dear," said one.  "I hope you were left with something."

"Oh, yes," said the widow, "Two hundred thousand dollars."

"Imagine that.  And he couldn't even read or write."

The widow nodded earnestly and added, "Or swim."

Good evening ladies," Sherlock Holmes said as he passed three women eating
bananas on a park bench.

 "Do you know them?" Dr watson asked.

"No," Holmes replied,"I've never met the nun, the prostitute or the bride we
just passed."

 "Good Lord, Holmes. how in the world did you know all that?"

"Elementary, my dear Watson.  The nun ate the banana by holding it one hand
and using the fingers of the other hand to properly break the fruit into small
pieces.

The prostitiute," he continued, "grabbed with both hands and crammed the whole
thing into her mouth."

"Amazing!" Watson exclaimed."But how did you know the third was a newlywed?"

"Because she held it one hand and pushed her head toward it with the other."



A woman was swimming in a lake nude when she noticed a boy and his younger
brother standing on the bank watching her.

She swam up to the bank and got a discarded old washtub that was laying on the
bank to cover herself and climbed out of the water.

She said, "What are you boys doing watching me like that? You two should be
ashamed of yourselves. And why are you smiling like that?  Do you know what I
think?"

"Yes ma'am." the oldest said,"You think that bucket has a bottom in it."



A man and one of his buddies were working on a construction site.  It was
almost lunch time and he pointed to the parking lot and said, "Look their goes
the boss.  He always leaves fifteen of twenty minutes early and he is always
twenty minutes late getting back. If we leave when he does I can go home for
lunch."

When the boss was out of sight they left.

When he got home his bosses car was in the driveway.  He walked up to the
house and looked in the window.  He saw his boss and his wife on the couch in
a very compromising position.  He eased back to his car and left.

He got back to the job about the same time his buddy did and his buddy
said, "This was a great idea.  My wife said if she had known she would
have fixed me a good meal.  I am going to do this again tomorrow.  How about
you."

"Hell no!" the man said, "I almost got caught today."



Weary of the constant disorder in her son's room, a mother laid down the law:
For every item she had to pick up off the floor, they would have to pay her a
nickel.

At the end of a week, the boys owed her 65 cents.   She received the money
promptly--along with a 50-cent tip and a note that read, "Thanks, Mom; keep up
the good work!"



Nowadays, when you tell a teenager to shift for himself, he thinks you're
going to buy him a sports car.



Do you know what caused your fainting spell?

Yes, my son asked for the keys to the garage and came out with the lawnmower.



A boy returned from 2 weeks at his first summer camp.  He showed his mother
two ribbons that he had won: One for making improvement in swimming, the other
for naming the most birds on a nature hike.   His mother asked him about a
third ribbon in his pocket.  "Aw," he said, "I got that blue thing for having
the neatest packed bag when we were ready to come home." "I'm proud of you,"
his mother said.

"It was easy," replied the lad.  "I never unpacked it."



When one beautiful gold-digger asked another why a girl of her age and talents
would marry a wealthy old man, she replied:

"Listen, if anyone offered you a check for $1,000,000, would you stop to look
at the date?"



By the time a man can afford to lose a golf ball, he can't hit that far.



Golf is a lot like taxes--you drive hard to get to the green and then wind up
in the hole.



One of the quickest ways to meet new people is to pick up the wrong ball on a
golf course.



Funny, isn't it?  Men blame fate for other accidents, but feel personally
responsible when they make a hole in one.



I see where a Russian says he invented a game which closely resembles golf.

That must be the game my husband has been playing for years.



"I'd move heaven and earth to be able to break 100 on this course,"
sighed Mac, the golfer.

"Try heaven,"  advised the caddie.  "You've already moved most of the earth."



The ability to speak distinguishes us from the lower animals.  What we say
frequently doesn't.



Be nice to people on your way up because you'll meet them on your way down.



Tourist: A person who travels 1,000 miles to get a picture of himself standing
by his car.



The most efficient water power in the world is a child's tears.



"What did your teenage daughter do all summer?"

"Her hair and nails!"



Rubbing elbows with any individual will reveal things about that person
you never suspected.  The same is true of rubbing fenders.



man who stand on toilet get high on pot.

man who screw in pantry get butt in jam.

woman pilot who fly upside down have crack up.



Some of these teenage singing groups--they look like they've cut more throats
than records.



The sum total of the world's debt is some total.



To get something done, a committee should consist of only three people, two
of whom are absent.



Children grow up so quickly.  One day you look at your car's gas gauge showing
empty and realize they're teenagers.



"My son," the father was telling his neighbor, "wants to be `doing his thing.'
The trouble is, he doesn't have a thing to do."

A well-known American game hunter flew to New Guinea for some hunting.  After
two weeks he was captured by a tribe of head shrinkers.  They held him captive
for six months by which time everyone thought he was dead.  Finally he managed
to escape and make his way to town.  First thing he did was to call his wife
in California.

"Darling,"  she sobbed, "it's a miracle that you're alive.  An absolute
miracle! How are you?"

"I'm all right,"  the hunter explained, "except that I have no clothes.  Would
you please fly me some? I could use the following immediately: Three shirts
size 15½, socks size 11½. Shoes size lO C, and oh yes, I can use a hat here to
protect my forehead."

"What size, Darling?"

"One and seven-eights."



A hunter from the city bagged a big buck deer.  Just about that time, the game
warden arrived and asked if the hunter had a hunting license.  The hunter said
he didn't have a license, so the game warden had to take the hunter and the
deer to town.

The game warden helped the hunter drag the 300-pound deer out to the road--at
which point the hunter exclaimed, "I just remembered--I do have a deer license
after all."



The minister asked for anyone who knew a truly perfect person to stand up.
After a long pause a meek-looking fellow in the back stood.

"Do you really know a perfect person?"  he was asked.

"Yes, Sir, I do,"  answered the little man.

"Would you please tell the congregation who this rare perfect person is?"

"Yes, Sir, my wife's first husband."



Gene: "They tell me your wife is outspoken."

Jewell: "By whom?"



A couple lived together for sixty years without a single argument--they shared
the same hearing aid.



"My husband didn't leave a bit of insurance."

"Then where did you get that gorgeous diamond ring?"  "Well, he left a
thousand dollars for a casket and five thousand dollars for a stone.  This is
the stone."



Three fellows were out hunting and they weren't having much luck so they
decided to split up.  That way they could cover more ground.  If anyone found
any tracks they would fire a shot in the air and the others would come to help
out.

Some time later the first hunter came across some tracks and fired a shot in
the air.  The second hunter came running up and said "Wha da ya got?"

"Deer tracks" replied the first hunter. "Those aren't deer tracks, those are
bear tracks" contradicted the second hunter.  The two of them got into quite
an argument about the tracks and couldn't resolve it.

They decided to let the third hunter decide what kind of tracks they were.  He
came running up but before they could ask him the train ran them over.



My dentist told me he had good news and had news.   I said, "Give me the bad
news first.   Maybe the good news will cheer me up."

"Well, you need a root canal,"  he started, "and complete lower bridgework.
It's going to cost about $3,000."

"Ouch!"  I exclaimed.   "What's the good news?"

"The good news,"  he beamed, "is that I shot a hole-in-one yesterday."



I think I know the cheapest guy in the world.   It was the first time I ever
saw anyone make their own paper clips.



A retail manager quit his job and joined the police force.   A while later a
friend asked him how he had adjusted to the different demands of his new
job.   "The part I like best,"  he responded, "is that the customer is always
wrong!''



DEVICE=COLDBEER.CAN



Groucho was questioning a contestant couple on "You Bet Your Life" on live
national television.

"You have any children?" Groucho asked the husband.

"We have six children, Groucho," was the reply.
Groucho looked at the camera for a moment.  "Why do you have so many kids?"

"I love my wife," he said.

"I love my cigar, too," said Groucho, "but I take it out once in a while."



What kind of bird brings little white babies?

--The stork.

And what kind of bird brings little black babies?

--The crow.

And what kind of bird brings no babies at all?

--The swallow.



My wife claims I'm a baseball fanatic.   She says all I ever think about is
baseball.

I told her she's way off base.



One afternoon Stan "The Man"  Musial was having a field day against Chicago's
pitcher, Bobo Newsom.   Stan slammed a single, then a triple, then a homer.
When Stan came up to bat for the fourth time, the Chicago manager decided to
yank Bobo and take a chance on his rookie relief pitcher.   "Say,"  asked the
rookie as he took the ball from Bobo, "does this guy Musial have any
weakness?"

'Yeah,"  answered Bobo, "he can't hit doubles."



Friend: "Has your son's college education proved helpful since you took him
into the firm?"

Father: "Oh yes, whenever we have a conference, we let him mix the cocktails."



Friend: You look all broken Up."

College student: "I wrote home for money for a study lamp."

Friend: "So what?"

College student: "They sent the lamp."



"How come your son is doing so well in COLLEGE"

"Well, wine makes him sick, he's afraid of women, he hates to play games, he's
allergic to the sun, and he can't sing, so he just stays home and studies."




TO:     All Employees

Re:     Force Management Plan

As a result workers the workers in money budgeted to departmental areas, we
are forced to cut down on our number of personnel.

Under the Plan, older employees will be asked to go on early retire-ment, thus
permitting the retention of the younger people who represent our future plans.

Therefore, a program to phase out older personnel by the end of the current
fiscal year (via retirement) will be placed into effect workers.  This program
will be known as RAPE (Retire Aged Persons Early).

Employees who are RAPED will be given the opportunity to look for other jobs
outside the workers.  Providing they are being RAPED, they can request a
review of their employment records before workers retirment takes place.  This
phase of the operation is called SCREW (Survey of Capabilities of Retired
Early Workers).

All employees who have been RAPED and SCREWED may file an appeal with upper
management.  This phase is called SHAFT (Study by Higher Authority Following
Termination).  Under the terms of the new policy, an employee may only be
RAPED once and SCREWED twice.  However, the employee may be SHAFTED as many
times as the company deems appropriate.

If an employee follows the above procedures, he/she will be entitled to get
HERPES (Half Earnings for Retired Workers Severance) or CLAP (Combined Lump-
sum Income from Dependents or Spouse).  As HERPES and CLAP are considered
benefit plans, any employee who has received HERPES or CLAP will no longer be
RAPED or SCREWED by the company.

Management wishes to assure the younger employees who remain on board that the
company will continue its policy to assure that employees are well trained
through our Special High Intensity Training program (SHIT).  The company takes
pride in the amount of SHIT our employees receive.  If an employee feels
she/she does not receive enough SHIT on the job, please see your immediate
supervisor.  Your supervisor is specifically trained to make sure you receive
all the SHIT you can stand.



A group of people where standing around the county courthouse on a cold
morning.  One of them said, "Man it's cold out here!".  The others chimed in,
"How cold is it?".  He replied, "Its so cold I just saw a lawyer with his
hands in his OWN pockets!"



The sailor rolls into the bar, proceeds to get tanked up, and then picks up a
hooker and takes her up to his hotel room.  They get undressed and the sailor
unsteadily climbs aboard.  After pumping away for a few minutes, the sailor
asks "How'm I doin?"

The hooker replies, "You're making three knots."

"Three knots," says the sailor. "What's that mean?"

"It means you're not hard, you're not in, and you're not gettin your money
back!"



A ventriloquist was driving in the country when he was attracted to a large
farm.  He asked for and was given a tour.  As he was shown through the barn,
the ventriloquist decided he'd have some fun.  He proceeded to make one of the
horses talk.  The hired hand, wide-eyed with fear, rushed from the barn to the
farmer.  "Sam," he shouted, "those animals are talking!  If that little sheep
says anything about me, it's a damn lie!"



"How long are you in jail for, Jim?"

"Two weeks."

"What's the charge?"

"No charge, everything is free."

"I mean, what did you do?"

"Oh, I shot my wife."

"You killed your wife and only in jail for two weeks?"

"That's all - then I get hanged."



Night club patron (approvingly watching a gorgeous Latin go through
her torrid dance routine): "Lots of pepper!"
Friend: "Nice shaker, too!"



It happened in a teenage rock-n-roll joint.  The waiter dropped a tray
of dishes and six couples got up to dance.



A mother took her three children into the ice cream parlor for an ice cream
cone.  The man behind the counter asked, "Chocolate or vanilla?"

 The mother asked, "Why don't you have more flavors?"

"Lady," he answered, "if you only knew how much time it takes some people to
make up their minds betweeen chocolate and vanilla, you'd never have another
flavor!"



I believe it was Yogi Berra who once said, "When you come to a fork in the
road, take it!"



Teddy Roosevelt had a little dog that was always getting into fights and
always getting licked.

 Somebody said, "Colonel, he's not much of a fighter."

The colonel replied, "Oh, yes, he's a good fighter.  He's just a poor judge of
dogs."



Some people get lost in thought because it's unfamiliar territory to them.



A weary minister returned home and explained to his wife that he had spent all
day trying to convince people that it was the duty of the rich to help the
poor.

"Were you successful?"  his wife asked.

"Half successful,"  he answered.   "I convinced the poor."



While gazing at dinosaur fossils in New Mexico, a tourist asked a guide how
old the bones were.   "These happen to be one hundred million and three years
old,"  said the guide.

"How can you be so exact?"  asked the tourist.

"Oh, I just have a good memory,"  replied the guide.   "An archaeologist came
here and told me these bones were a hundred million years old, and that was
exactly three years ago."



Don't drink and drive.   And with all the oil spills that have occurred
lately, don't swim and smoke.



What has eight legs and eight eyes?

Eight pirates.



I always had problems with my hair.   Back in high school I was voted
most likely to recede.



1st man: I've been widowed three times.  My first two wives died from eating
         poison mushrooms.

2nd man: What did your third wife die from?

1st man: A cracked skull.

2nd Man: That's terrible!

1st man: Yeah, she wouldn't eat the mushrooms!



"Why is daddy swearing? Has he f**ked up again?"



The first time that he ever gave her a ride...Clarence Thomas took Anita out
in the country and stopped by the side of a lake to get acquainted just a bit
better and after chatting awhile reached over and took her hand and placed on
"Mr.Dong".  Anita got real indignant, opened the car door and looked back at
him and said: "Judge Thomas, I've got only two words for you....Drop Dead!!!"
The judge says: "Anita, I've got just two words for you....LET GOOOOOOOO"



Speaking of firemen.....

The new fireman came home from his first 4 day shift on the job and his wife
was asking how he liked it.  He told her how glad he was to be a fireman and
how impressed he was with their system at the fire house using bells.  She
asked him what he meant..

"Well, at the sound of the first bell, we all get out of bed; at the sound of
the second bell, we are all putting on our cloths; and at the sound of the
third bell, we are all sitting in the truck ready to drive to the fire."

Then he said, "you know, from now on when I come home, we could do that.
When you here the firsr bell, run for the bed room; on the second bell, take
off all your cloths; and at the third bell, jump in bed and be ready."

That evening, he was coming back from an errand and thought he would give it a
try... As he shut the front door, he called out "Bell one".

His wife took off for the bedroom.   "Bell Two"    Wife"s cloths are just
going ever which way.   "Bell three"   She jumps in bed and is lying there
with arms outstretched as he come into the room.

As he joins his wife and is reaching that moment that we all strive for, he
hears this feminine voice calling out, "Bell four!! Bell Four!!"

He says, "What is this, I didn't say anything about a fourth bell?"

She says, As a member of this fire house, I was calling for more hose...
you aren't anywhere near the fire!!"



Ted: "I started out on the theory that the world had an opening for me."

Fred: "And you found it?"

Ted: "Well, kinda, I'm in the hole now."



Sympathizer: "Tell me, friend, how did you ever get yourself into such
destitute circumstances?"

Derelict: "Well, when I had the world by the tail, I let go to reach for the
moon."



Running into debt isn't so bad.  It's running into creditors that hurts.


The installment collector came around to remind Joe he was seven payments
behind on his piano.  "Well,"  replied Joe, "the company advertises 'pay as
you play'--and I play very poorly."



"I don't see why you haggled so with the tailor about the price - you'll never
pay his bill, anyhow,"  said Pat to Mike.

"Yes, but, you see, I'm conscientious.  I don't want the poor fellow to lose
more than is necessary."



The butcher confronted the customer with embarrassment.  "I'm sorry, madam,
but I can't give you further credit.  Your bill is bigger now than it should
be."

"I'm aware of that,"  the woman exclaimed.  "If you'll make it out for what it
should be, I'll pay it."



What is the difference between a sweater-girl and a sewing machine?

A sewing machine only has one bobbin.



We have good news and we have bad news.  First, the bad news: We're being
invaded by Martians.  And now, the good news: They eat politicians and pee
gasoline.



My favorite football team got off to a bad start, and it never got any
better.   When the players finally won their first game and carried the coach
off the field, they fumbled him.



I was a 97-pound weakling, and bullies would always kick sand in my face.
Eventually I decided to get even.   I kicked sand in the face of an 87 pound
weakling.



April 1 is the day we remind ourselves of what we are on the other three
hundred and sixty-four.



April is one of the most dangerous months for the stock market.   The
others are January, September, November, March, August, July,
February, December, June, May, and October.



I'm not too sure about the latest ideas for cutting military spending.
It just doesn't seem like a good idea to use coin-operated guns.



A lot of people think hospital costs are rising too fast.   Actually, I think
they're trying to conserve.   If you don't believe it, just look at the
hospital gowns they give you to wear.



Hotels are cutting down, too.   The Bible in my room only had seven
Commandments.



A taxpayer received a strongly worded "second notice" that his taxes were
overdue.  Hastening to the collector's office, he paid his bill, saying
apologetically that he had overlooked the first notice.

"Oh,"  confided the collector with a smile, "we don't send out first notices.
We have found that the second notices are more effective."



A merchant tried for many months to collect an overdue bill, but with no
success.  Finally, he sent a tear-jerking letter accompanied by a picture of
his little daughter.  Under it he wrote, "The reason I need the money."

By return mail came a photo of a voluptuous blonde in a bikini bathing suit.
It was captioned, "The reason I can't pay."



A man walks into an antique store and begins browsing through the merchandise.
A small bronze sculpture of a rat catches his eye.  For some reason, this
curio fascinates him and he decides that he has to have it.  So he picks it up
and walks over to the proprietor.

"How much for this?", he asks.

"I'd think twice about getting that if I were you.  Everyone who's bought it
before has come back the next day to return it,"  says the proprietor.

"Why?"

"I don't know--but they seem to be in an awful hurry to get rid of it."

The customer thinks this over and finally decides to purchase the item.  He
walks out of the store and begins to make his way home.  As he is walking down
a dark alley, he hears a scuttling noise behind him.  Quickly turning around,
he sees two rats following him down the path.

"That's odd", he thinks to himself and begins to walk faster.

A few minutes later, he turns around again and this time there are 3 dozen
rats following him!  He begins to break into a trot.

Next time he turns around, there are 200 rats!  Now he's running as fast as he
can.

After a couple of minutes, he can't stand the suspense any longer and looks
over his shoulder...

Thousands of rats, as far as the eye can see, are marching behind him!

Now he begins to panic.  He looks at the figurine in his hand and it dawns on
him what's going on.  He changes direction and begins to make his way to the
waterfront.  When he reaches the harbor, he takes the figure and hurls it into
the water.  Thousands of rats dive into the water after it and drown!

The next day, the man returns to the antique shop.  The owner is astonished to
find him empty-handed.

"You didn't bring it back??" he inquires.

"No, I've got just one question.  Do you have one which is shaped like a
lawyer?"



What did Clarence Thomas say to Ted Kennedy?

"At least I bring 'em back alive!"



What counts is not necessarily the size of the dog in a fight; it's the size
of the fight in the dog.

Girl: What happens if I get pregnant?

Kennedy: We'll cross that BRIDGE when we get to it!



A young fellow arrived in New York harbor from Ireland, an immigrant to our
country. A short time later, he started  across one of those busy New York
streets against the light.  And  one of New York's finest, a big policeman,
grabbed him and said,  "Where did you think you're going?"  "Well," he says,
"I'm only  trying to get to the other side of the street there."  Well, when
that New York policeman, Irish himself, heard that brogue, `Well," he said,
"now, lad, wait." He says, "You stay here until the light  turns green, and
then you go to the other side of the street."  "Aah," he says, "the light
turns green." Well, the light turned  orange for just a few seconds, as it
does, and then turned green,  and he started out across the street.  He got
about fifteen feet  out and he turned around, and he says, "They don't give
them Protestants much time, do they?"



Pretty girl: "May I try on that two-piece suit in the window?"

Store manager: "Go right ahead.  It might help business."



"But why,"  demanded the puzzled judge of the burglar standing before, "did
you break into the same store three nights running?"

"Well, Judge, it's like this,"  was the reply.  "I picked out a dress for my
wife and I had to change it twice."



Two political candidates were having a hot debate.  Finally one of them jumped
up and yelled at the other: "What about the powerful interests that control
you?"

The other guy screamed back, "You leave my wife out of this."



Woman, fishing: "Have you another cork, Dear? This one keeps sinking."



I just bought my wife a second car--a tow truck.



A man accompanied a friend home for dinner one evening and noticed that as
soon as they entered the door, his friend kissed his wife and told her how
pretty she looked.  After dinner he complimented his wife on the food and
kissed her again.

"Do you always do that?"  asked the visitor when they were alone.

"You bet I do,"  answered the man.  "It helps keep our marriage a happy one."

The visitor was greatly impressed and decided to use the same procedure with
his own wife.  That night he swept her into his arms when he got home and
kissed her warmly.  "Sweetheart,"  he said, "you look wonderful tonight, and
I'm a lucky man to have such a beautiful his wife looked at him in amazement,
then burst into tears.

"For Pete's sake,"  exclaimed the astonished man "what's the matter?"

"What a day this has been!"  his wife answered.  "First Johnny sprained his
ankle, then the washing machine broke down and flooded the basement, and now
you come home drunk!"



Two little fellows coming home from Sunday school were discussing the lesson.

"Say, do you believe all that about the devil?"

"No, don't let them kid you.  It's just like Santa Claus, it's your old man."



The hydrogen bomb has made one great contribution to democracy.  With it all
men are cremated equal.



The average man's life consists of twenty years of having his mother ask him
where he is going; forty years of having his wife ask the same question; and
at the end, the mourners wondering, too.



The middle-aged man was shuffling along, bent over at the waist, as his wife
helped him into the doctor's waiting room.  A woman in the office viewed the
scene in sympathy.  "Arthritis with complications?" she asked.

The wife shook her head.  "Do-it-yourself,"  she explained, "with concrete
blocks."



Q. What does a blond name her pet zebra?

A. Spot



Q. How do you measure a blonde's IQ?

A. With a tire gauge.



Q. What goes "Vroom-Screech Vroom-Screech"?

A. A blonde driving through a flashing red light.



Q. What do you call an intelligent blond?

A. A Golden Retriever.


Q. Why do blondes wear pony tails?

A. To hide the valve stem.



Q. What do blondes and computers have in common?

A. You really don't appreciate them until they go down on you.



Q. What does a blond say after sex?

A. "Are you all on the same team?"



Q. What is a blondes mating call?

A. "Boy am I drunk!"



Q. Why do blondes wear hoop earrings?

A. So they'll have someplace to rest their ankles.



Q. How do you get a blond to laugh on Friday?

A. Tell her a joke on Thursday.



Q. How can you tell if a blond has been using your computer?

A. There is white-out on the screen.



Q. Why did the blonde have square boobs?

A. She forgot to take the Kleenex out of the box.



A nun asked a five-year-old what she wanted to be when she grew up.

I want to be a prostitute," the little girl answered.

The nun fainted dead away on the floor, and when she came to she found the
children gathered around her.

"I-I'm sorry," she floundered.  She turned to the little girl again. "What did
you say you wanted to be?"

"A prostitute", she repeated.

Sitting up, the nun sighed, "Thank goodness.  I thought you said
`Protestant.'"



One comedian hit the nail right on the thumb. Said he: "The world is changing.
Jews eat pork, Catholics eat meat on Friday, Methodists drink in front of each
other."



The world economy needs a big stimulus to get things going again.

Maybe Imelda Marcos will grow another foot.



My taxes are done by a very compassionate accountant.   He's the only one I
know with a recovery room.



Being human, doctors are reluctant to make house calls where receipt of
payment is doubtful.  Under these circumstances a physician diagnosed a
patient's illness on the phone.  "There is nothing wrong with your uncle.  I
have examined him thoroughly and I tell you he only thinks he's sick.  He
thinks he's sick." A week later the doctor met the patient's nephew.  "How's
your uncle?" he asked.

"Worse,"  said the relative.  "Now he thinks he's dead."



Ambrose Bierce, in his 'Devil's Dictionary' defined a lawyer as 'one skilled
in circumventing the law'.



Did you hear about the Barister who dropped her briefs and became a solicitor?




A city slicker decides he has had enough of city life, and moves out to the
country.  He gets settled and gets a job as a sheep herder.  After quickly
making friends with the other sheep herders, he enjoys his new life, except
for the lack of female folk out there in the boonies.

One day, he asks one of the other sheep herders how they get along without
women.  The other sheep herder tells him that there are no women to speak of
out there in the middle of nowhere, but they, ahem, "get along" with some of
the sheep whenever the need arises, especially on the weekends.

Shocked, he replies that there's no way he'd ever, uh, "date" a sheep, and
goes on his not-so-merry way.

One weekend, when all the other sheepherders are getting pretty loaded (and
horny), they, ah, take their "dates" for the evening behind the bushes and
make nice-nice to them.  After every other sheep herder has his turn with his
"date", they all look to the city slicker and cheer him on.

Pretty loaded and horny himself, he listens to the cheers, ponders his lack of
any social life, and all of a sudden, making it with a sheep starts sounding
better and better.  Finally, with all the encouragement he received, and his
hormones getting the better of him, he decides to "take the plunge".

He picks a sheep from the flock, escorts his "date" behind the bushes and does
his thing, much to his relief.  When he comes out from behind the bushes, he
finds his fellow sheep herders laughing hysterically at him!

"What are you all laughing at me for?!?", he asks.  "God Almighty! Did you
have to pick the ugliest sheep in the flock?", they cackle.



The difference between a mistress and a wife is the difference between day and
night.

A celebrated judge and an almost equally celebrated bishop were engaged in
friendly argument as to which of them had more power over their fellow men.

Explained the bishop: "After all, old man, you can only say to a man, `You be
hanged!' I can go very much further.  I can say to a man, `You be damned!'"

The judge nodded, smilingly.  "Ah, yes,"  he said.  "But the difference is
that when I say to a man `You be hanged!'--he IS hanged."



Adolf Hitler was very much disturbed when a clairvoyant let it be known that
she could predict the exact day of the Fuhrer's death.  Since her predictions
were always based on astrology and since Hitler himself was a believer in the
stars, he sent for the woman.  After much divination the woman finally said
that the omens indicated no specific date for the passing of the Nazi leader,
other than that it would definitely take place on a Jewish holiday.

`"Which holiday?"  Hitler demanded.

"I cannot be sure,"  said the astrologist.

"You've got to be sure,"  Hitler ordered, going off into one of his spastic
shrieks.  "I demand that you be sure."

"What difference does it make?"  shrugged the woman.  "Any day on which you
die will be a Jewish holiday."



At a New England dog show, two elderly matrons, after looking over the various
breeds asked a young attendant, "Can you direct us to the Labradors?"

"Yes ma'am,"  replied the boy.  "Straight down this aisle, and the second door
on the left."



An old lady kept asking the bus driver to tell her when they arrived at a
certain small town.  She asked so often that finally the driver got nervous
and passed through the small town before he realized it.  He apologized to the
other passengers, turned around, and drove back.  Then he said to the old
lady:

"This is the town where you wanted to get out."

"Who wants to get out?"  she answered.

The driver said: "You did."

"No,"  she said, "my daughter told me that when I pass through this town, I
should take my pills."



My wife sure is immature.  Every time I take a bath, she comes in and sinks my
boats.



"Hey, you! Pull over!"  shouted the traffic cop.  The lady complied, and the
judge next day fined her twenty-five dollars.  She went home in great anxiety
lest her husband, who always examined her checkbook, should learn of the
incident.  Then inspiration struck and she marked the check stub, "One
pullover, $25."



Harried motorist, teaching his wife to drive: "Go on green, stop on red,
careful on amber, and look out when I turn white."



During World War I, the London clubs extended courtesies to officers of
Dominion Forces, much to the annoyance of the retired field officers who were
accustomed to preempt the leather armchairs in the club library.  One
afternoon, a colonial officer, slightly the worse for cocktails, entered the
library, tapped a grumpy old general on the shoulder and asked a question
using very vulgar language.  The general dropped his newspaper, screwed his
monocle in his eye and looked the colonial up and down and said, "Go out that
door, turn left till you come to a corridor.  Follow the corridor until you
come to a sign marked gentlemen .  .  .  but don't let that deter you!"



Young lady: "Officer, a sailor came into my cabin last night."

Officer: "What do you expect in Second Class, lady, the Captain?"



Lawyer: "Why do you want a divorce?"

Disgruntled wife: "Because we have nothing in common.  Why, we don't
even hate the same people."



Disillusioned wife: "I'd like to get a divorce.  My husband and I just don't
get along."

Friend: "Why don't you sue on the grounds of incompatibility."

Wife: "I would if I could catch him at it."



Three guys pick up three girls and take them home.  The next day the guys are
talking about there experiences.

The first said that he though his girl was a nurse, because before they
"started" she said, "now, this won't hurt a bit."

The second said that his girl must have been a teacher, because she said,
"now, we're going to keep doing this until we get it right."

The third said he must have gone home with a stewardess.  The first two asked
him why.  He replied, "because she said 'place this over your nose and mouth
and continue to breathe normally.'"




Q:  Why don't blondes wear mini-skirts in San Francisco?

A:  Because their balls show.



A guy goes into a bar (great beginning, huh?), orders a drink from the
bartender, and takes out of a brown paper bag this little guy.  The little guy
makes a complete nuisance of himself, pinching the ladies, p*ssing in peoples'
drinks, cussing and swearing at all the guys, and so on.

After a few minutes, the bartender asks the guy, "Where'd you get that little
pain-in-the-*ss?".  The guy starts telling "...and in return, he said that
he'd grant me one wish."

"So what did you wish for?"

"A twelve-inch pr*ck."


This guy has a habit of going into a bar and winning bets to get his night's
drinks.  This one bartender gets sick and tired of supplying the guy with
drinks, no matter how hard to win the bet may seem, so he decides to not bet
with the guy when he comes in that night.

Later in the day, sure enough.  The guy walks into the bar, all prepared to
win his night's drinks.  The bartender tells him right off that he's not going
to bet with him anymore.
"Well, what if we play for money?", he asks.  "No way!", says the bartender.
He talks with another guy, and calls out to the bartender, "Well, how 'bout if
we make it *really* interesting?", and smiled broadly.

The guy orders a shot of whiskey, pays for it, drinks it down, and plinks the
shot glass onto the bar.  "I'll bet you $10 that you could blindfold me and
spin me around on this stool, and I'll p*ss into that shot glass and not miss
a drop!"

The bartender thinks about it and says that there's *no* way that the guy
could do what he proposed, and decided to take the bet.

He blindfolds the guy, spins him around on the stool, and, just as he
expected, the guy p*sses all over the whole bar, spraying each and every
person in the room, without a single drop going into the shot glass.

Naturally, the bartender starts laughing hysterically at the prospect of
winning his $10.

Taking off his blindfold, the guy joins in with the bartender in laughing
hysterically.  Wiping away the tears from his eyes, the bartender stops
laughing long enough to ask the guy, "What are *you* laughing about?  You just
lost $10!".

Composing himself, the guy answers, "I know.  But I bet the guy in the corner
$20 that I could p*ss all over your bar, and that you'd love it!".